Mithra 

             Friday nights define me so well. Sneak into a city club house on that day. You find a guy holding a guitar someday, on keyboard sometimes and many times I steal the show on drums. I have just these magical fingers which will say Yes to any musical instruments. There is a true heart makes me sing so well, though carrying so many lies that I have told myself. So goes my weekend spending times for what I love to do. Visit to church and sing for the choir, lunch with Fr. Hilary and a tasteless but eatable (!) dinner in the hostel and an awesome day with buddies, we would eat drink laugh shout scream fight give Gaalis each other and end up Sunday in The Boys Hostel istyle.

            When comes a Monday, one can hardly get up on that day. And obviously we guys are the last ones to get into the classroom. Our teachers have five minutes dedicated for us with their common and byhearted dialogues. May be our brain doesn't interprets that, it neither makes us feel bad nor makes us start early to the class.

             The great engineering class filled some 60 and odd heads. Half of them including me wouldn't have been there if money did not matter. These would have been artists, dancers, clerk, farmer and someone who is not an engineer if they could be what they wished to be and also if girls had no requirement saying ‘well educated person’ in their marriage resume! With most of us doing which doesn't take us into account, had filed up backlogs on our heads. With some lecturer’s important questions, notes from girl’s and invigilator’s mercy upon us we cleared them at least on the deadline.

            So there is little for me to study. I’m not meant for it is the first and important thing I have realized in the first semester itself. Still I’m carrying it because I have been bound by the campus. Living the campus is not a new thing for me. I have been doing it ever since I can recall things of my existence. In some campus boarding school, I learnt to eat, to dress up, fought with seniors for our rights, when kids at home started with their toys we boys started with basketball. When they started using the crayons we moved our fingers on the guitar. There was no mother since I lost her in the small age only. A priest warden took care of us and there were Sumathi Akka and Rethu Akka who hugged us when we showed them some medals we won, some prizes we got and for some compliments we got in the school.

            Dad was remarried for a new mother to me. After marriage he was more of her husband than my dad. No complaints with him since he has a new family. He never made me feel bad on money matter, he sends enough of it. Whenever he comes down to India I get lot of things for me. But ever since I have joined boarding I did not go to my house. Till my grandparents were alive they took me their place. Unfortunately they disappeared from this world in an accident together, when I was in fourth standard. From then I lived my school days holidays and all the days with Fr.Hilary. And before this vacation he also left me. Dad’s visits have become very rare since I have grown up.

            When my friends go to their home during holidays, they describe their mother’s love. Though I feel like crying for the fate I have, I hold it and eat whatever they have sent for their "Mithra". Mithra makes a joke and everybody laughs again. Mithra doesn't show up his pain to anyone. He never says he misses his family. Never even asks what mothers are like!!?  It’s however a four days world doesn't last long why spend it with cries. 

            We ate drank laughed shouted screamed played fought and gave Gaalis to each other and slept, all except for Mithra and he tried to but he could not.  

I did not sleep, I couldn't,  My grief created a cart on my heart, it was heavy and I wanted an end. From the very famous escape from the hostel I moved out. Heading towards the railway track I decided ‘Mithra do not talk to anyone; even yourself, you may change the decision’. Laying on the track for the train to pass which I was sure quiet close by I said my mother and Fr.Hilary I’ll see them soon.

Ever since I know everyone has a mother who is an angel. I have tried imagining mine. What she was like? How much she loved me ! how many times she would have hugged me saying “my son…”. Nothing I know not even one single clue except one family photo that my dad mailed me on my request. Fr.Hilary was only person with whom I have cried telling things; he would console me no matter how many times I went with the same problems. He was only reason I could survive till now. I spent my holidays spending time near his grave. There was no place for me in the boarding without him and I had returned to hostel within some days and spent days there almost alone.

I don’t know why suddenly a thought went in my mind what if my mother had seen me laying on the railway track, she would come running to save me!! My conscious mind heard Fr. Hilary “ Mithra just jump out of it, Son, Soon”. For the closest siren of the train I had just kept my legs out of the track, and watched the entire train passing close to me without blinking.

I remembered the song Better Life

When you fall; when you break

When you wish you didn't feel

Keep your head; don’t forget

It's the pain that makes us real.

      I got up from that place moved to the hostel. I decided the new life. A survive in-spite the pain inside. I said "I deserve a better life, from now, to forever".  It was still dawn. There was no wake up calls even during the exams but there was a search for their missing Mithra. Guys had come out of the hostel for the search; though I had showed off I’m fine they had seen tears getting stored in my eyes on the previous night.

            I literally couldn't speak when they hugged me and scene became cool after hours.

            Though we have sang a thousand songs together from then, have been late to  the class as usual, managed to clear the subjects using all the methods we invented and inherited from the seniors, and they have tried to make me happy taking me to their homes, I still don’t dare telling them the foolish thing I was about to commit.